Ive thought of writing this post many times.
Everytime i pick up the laptop,
i’d rather be having my free time spent
on work, sleep or chores.
I want to keep this blog going,
this is my life for almost 10 years now
since I met the love of my life in 2006.
So many ups and downs.
2015 had been a very strange year.
I became a mother,
of which i still dont feel like one
even after 9.5 months.
People say you have you love at first sight
when the baby is born,
but i had full of resentment, anger, tiredness.
I didnt know her, i didnt know her character,
didnt know how she looked like, didnt know what she liked to eat
or like to do.
I was soon diagnosed a mild post natal depression
2 months after i delivered her
and was told to seek professional help.
I wanted to run away. I wanted to give up.
Things have definitely changed months later.
I would say some things have definitely became easier,
but some still as difficult but i try not to let
the stress gets to me.
But i still cannot picture or imagine
that im her mother.
Just the other day,
I yelled at her out of frustration.
Those fearful, teary eyes stared at me like its saying
“Whats happening? What did i do? What’s wrong, mummy?”
before she broke down into a big cry.
Broke my heart, really.
I just read somewhere recently,
regarding the Paris massacre,
someone wrote a letter to the terrorist
after his wife got murdered during the attack.
“A child has no hatred and will only insult you with his happiness and freedom.”
Its not that I dont love her.
Oh yes, ive grown to be in love with her
more and more each and every day.
There are nights where I stay up,
just to make sure shes warm or shes breathing.
When she was sick, i didnt mind
how often she woke me up,
just to have some comfort.
I feel responsible for this tiny being
but my confession is, I still dont feel like im a mum yet.
I wonder if this feeling would soon pass?
A throwback picture for memories.