My greatest fear.

Someone told me recently that having a blog
is pretty therapeutic,
i think like ive mentioned here before many times,
this blog is like my online diary
and its where i go to when i need a good
“shoulder” to cry on,
especially when i feel no one understands.

Last night, for some strange reason
my greatest fear swept upon me
and i ended in a meltdown
right before bed.

The fear of dying.

Watching my little one sleeping soundly in her cot,
ive thought of many times if we should have a second one
after my high risk pregnancy and another risk
of my second pregnancy to be the same.

It doesnt help that i had a colleague recently
who passed away due to hemorrhage
and her blood wouldnt clot.

She slipped into a coma right after delivery
and died a week later.

She never got to meet her newborn.

I dont know which is worse,
her husband being the single father
of a toddler and a newborn while dealing the loss
of the love of your life,
or the newborn who would be celebrating
her/his mother’s death anniversary so close
to her/his birthday.

I just cant imagine leaving Arabella
and not watching her grow up.

Im even more fearful of how my husband would take the news
and go into depression.

I hate to think of the consequences
which led me to a dilemma and i broke down.

Ive been told many times too that being an only child,
isnt just the fact that she will be lonely and have no playmate.
But also recently a friend who lost her mum to a terminal illness,
and her father was so clueless and blur with the situation,
she had to decide on her own if she should pull the plug.

As i remembered her crying and saying,
the decision is so difficult to make alone
with no one to discuss with and the pressure is totally on her.

Of course, if i’d be blessed enough with another child,
I wont choose abortion but its all about family planning i suppose
and if i’d want to risk going under the knife this time.

No more natural birth for me and a risk
of having a hysterectomy immediately.

Aih. So much in my head right now…

Smurfette Rants

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